THERAPY FOR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

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You’re not sure when it happened, but you’ve completely lost yourself. You've never really had a sense of who you are because it’s constantly changing from one day to the next. But the more time that goes by, the more fragmented you feel. You sometimes wonder if there’s even a you there at all. You feel hollow and you worry that the emptiness will never go away.

You do your best to hide what’s happening inside of you, but internally, you’re falling apart. You pretend to be normal, but you can’t shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong with you. You’ve never been like other people and you fear you never will be. You feel inherently defective, damaged beyond repair, maybe even broken. You’ve learned to harbor the truth of who you are as a shameful secret that must be concealed at all costs and you live your life in constant fear of being exposed. If anyone saw who you really are, you know they’d leave.

For you, feelings don’t come in shades of grey. You feel everything, all at once, or nothing at all. When the emotions come flooding in, it feels like you’re drowning. There are times when you’re in so much pain, you don’t even know what to do with it. You try to contain it, but eventually it all comes spilling out of you. You feel paralyzed and you don’t know how to make it stop. But then, out of nowhere, you suddenly go numb.You feel completely blank, like you’re there and not there at the same time.

You can’t seem to stop destroying yourself. You keep turning to things that aren’t good for you, even though you know they’ll ultimately leave you feeling worse. In the moment, it feels worth it to just feel okay for a while.

You feel utterly alone – needing people and yet terrified of them. Trust can be such a fragile, dangerous thing. You feel chronically unsafe in the world, especially in the context of relationships. You want more than anything to let someone get close to you, but you always seem to end up pushing them away. When you do let someone in, you become terrified of being left. You feel like it’s only a matter of time before they leave you and you’re constantly waiting for the moment when everything changes. 

You try so hard to be the person other people want you to be, but you always seem to mess it up somehow. You can only keep your emotions stuffed down for so long and then all of it - the hurt, the rage, the overwhelming need to feel loved - comes spilling out. Afterward, you feel horrified to have shown another person all of the ugliness inside of you, and even more ashamed for wanting so badly for them to stay. You feel like such a fool for believing that anyone could love you the way that you are. 

There are moments when you hate yourself for somehow managing to destroy the things you care about the most. The cruel irony is that you have no idea who you actually are and yet you still feel like such a monster. Other times, you just feel robbed; like everything good that comes your way eventually gets taken from you. So much has been stolen from you and you don’t know if it’s even possible to get it back.

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You want to feel whole. To really know yourself and to feel comfortable in your own skin. To think to yourself, YES. This is me. You want to feel so solid in who you are that you don’t have to constantly pretend to be someone else. You want to stop exhausting yourself trying to make everyone around you happy because you know that just showing up as you is enough.

You want to feel safe with other people and at ease in the world around you. To carve out a space for yourself and to believe that you deserve to be there. You want to feel deeply loved and deeply connected. To be comfortable enough with vulnerability to let other people in. To let someone get close to you and to hold onto them. To develop meaningful, authentic relationships. You want to find your place in the world and feel a sense of belonging. After years of searching for something that never existed in the first place, you want to finally feel at home. 

You want to feel truly alive. To experience joy and get excited about things again. You want to feel secure enough to take risks in life. You want to discover what you’re passionate about and actually do all of the things you used to dream about doing before you became too afraid of failing or getting hurt to even try. When challenges come up and things get hard, you want to be able to know and trust that you’re going to be okay - to feel like I fucking got this.

You want to believe that you are inherently good. To feel worthwhile and to know that you have something of value to offer other people. You want to know that you are lovable and to trust that other people are going to want to stick around. You want to let someone get close to you and, instead of pushing them away before they have the chance to leave you, you want to give them the opportunity to stay. 

You want to be able to be unabashedly yourself. To let other people see you. To have a voice and to speak your truth, whenever you want and as loudly as you want. You want to be the person you were supposed to be before all of the bad things that have happened ripped that opportunity away from you. To go back to a time when it still felt like you - in all of your idiosyncratic you-ness - were something rare and special. You want to want to believe it’s not too late for that.

It isn’t.

I see you. I hear you. I'm glad you're here. I trust you to know when you're ready to tell me your story and I will listen to you. I can handle your emotions and will sit with you in whatever it is that you’re feeling, giving you all of the time and space you need to untangle and deconstruct the way that things have always been in order to become the you that’s at your core. I know that person exists because there’s a part of you that can never be destroyed - only covered up by the trauma you've experienced and the ways you've learned to protect yourself from it. And if you’re open to that possibility, however small you think it is, I’d be honored to be the person who helps you find them.